*Faerie* (bedazzledsoma33) wrote,
*Faerie*
bedazzledsoma33

hmmm

This is alot harder than I expected. I knew it would be awkward, but I didn't think I would almost be in tears... or that hearing you two would make me want to pull my hair out. Today is already a very stressful day.

I think I am using video games to escape. I sit and think about how much better i'll feel when I'm at home playing Halo... thats not a good thing. I always say I am only going to play after I get everything else done... and after like half of my work is done, I justify getting on. I always tell myself that I will only be on for an hour or two... then 4 or 5 hours have passed.

I dont really know how to get myself out of this rut. I keep trying to escape, but to no avail. No matter what I do its still always there. I try to face it, but it doesn't go away. It just sits there and taunts me. I'm not sure how to get passed this... but if I don't its going to eat me alive...

If it actually happened would I even be ready. These are the kind of things I tell myself to rationalize letting go of everything good in my life. I have just as many excuses for keeping the bad things around too. How would it be to just let things be... to come and go into or out of my life as they please. Without judgement and without holding onto anything. I think that would be pure bliss. Just to accept things as they are.

My mind tries to attach itself to every little thing tho... as tho I need the drama and the complications to be able to survive. It's a messed up way of thinking. I've tried to fix my cognitive thinking errors... but it didn't help very much. As much as I want things to stick... they don't. It's the same way with reading books, maybe its the same way with relationships...

I'm like tape that has been used one too many times... and no longer has any adhesive...

I just need a break from it all... and a healthy one. Not video games.
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