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Thursday, July 4th, 2013
4:53 pm - I just need a place to say this...
How did I not realize I was moving into your old neighborhood? So many amazing memories walking down these streets. I guess I must have seen them from a different angle. Now I get little bits and pieces anytime I drive around. I still can't remember your street, but I remember driving to your house. I remember you telling me the names of all the streets before yours.... when I look at those street signs it's ridiculous how sad it makes me. I went to your old church. That was the first time that it hit me that you lived so close. I remembered that ugly floral couch. I thought maybe I was crazy and all churches have an ugly floral couch, but no, it was yours. I think the only time I sat on it was your funeral... silly, how that stuck in my mind, but nothing else.

After the initial shock, I thought that was it.. I will see your street signs, and passing memories of us every day, but I didn't think about how your family still might live there. How I may run into them one day... perhaps, one of the church neighborhood get togethers... possibly tomorrow. How is that going to go? Will they remember me? Will is be weird? Will I cry? I did when I found their facebook. I thought about writing them ahead of time... just in case we meet... it won't be awkward, but I can't bring myself to do it. What will I say? Do I want to open an old wound for them? They look so happy in their pictures... although I know they must think about you everyday, like I do.

Third day of letting this in/out... looking at their Facebook pictures. Cute sisters, would they have been my sister in laws? Cute grandkids... would ours have looked the same? What would my life me like if I was still with you? Would these people be my friends? Would we even still be together? Plenty of boyfriends have come and gone... somehow I feel we would have made it though. Does that make me regret my life? No. I love my kids and my husband... but I can't help that there will always be a part of me wondering what if?

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Tuesday, October 23rd, 2012
12:14 am - 5 years...
I stumbled upon my livejournal acct today. I can't believe it's been 5 years since I last wrote here. I loved reading all my old posts. It makes me want to keep writing here, so that is what I am going to do.

So much has changed since the last time I wrote. I am married and I now have two kids. I don't think a lot else has changed. I am still confused on what I am doing with my life. I also still have anxiety and hypochondria.

I just turned 28 and I want this to be a turning point in my life. I am going to see about going back to school. I really want to have a career by the time both kids are in school. Sky is in 2nd grade and Ari is only a couple years away from school herself.

Time has gone by so quickly. I am so worried about being like my mom and regretting decisions passed. Wishing I would have done something else with my life. I don't want to wake up one day and have those same thoughts.

I am learning everyday who my true friends are and after I don't even know how many years I finally don't feel naive anymore. Normal every day things used to allude me, but now I understand how things work. It doesn't make it any easier on me... and maybe now I am just overthinking it, but I don't know how I got a long at all before.

I read a post called Nostalgia today and it made me miss those years... however it also made me realize one day I am going to look back and miss these years too. I really need to spend more time appreciating my kids and cherishing these years.

My daughter is 2 and I love every minute I get to spend with her. I love her laugh, the way she says "gorilla and koala", the way she says "me do that" instead of "I", how she can be interested in so many things... dance, soccer, barbies, ponies, princesses, etc, how she likes Halloween as much as I do, how she looks just like me when I was her age... so strange to see that... It is so sad to see her grow up. I want her to stay little forever. I know there are already things that she did when she was a baby that I have forgotten. :(

Sky is 7 and he is still pretty damn difficult. I think he has gotten better over the years tho. He is taking drum lessons now and it's amazing how fast he catches on to it. He has a drum set downstairs and I think it's so wonderful for him to be able to destress by playing it. He is also crazy smart... every year since kindergarten he has been where he should be at the end of the year. All his homework is ridiculously easy for him. He just took a placement test for a more advanced school, but we wont find out the results until December. I am pretty sure that he is autistic, but the schools wont do anything cause he is so smart. There are just little signs like how he doesn't respond emotionally to anything and he doesn't think about what he says. He is so blunt and doesn't realize he could hurt someones feelings. I really hope he gets into this school cause I know a lot of other kids with aspergers go there too.

Mike finally let Mo adopt Sky. It's so nice to have that off my shoulders. Also nice not have to worry about him at all anymore. So many posts prior to this were about him. I never thought I would actually move on. I thought I would always be in that cycle.

I'm married to an amazing man. What brought me back to livejournal was a comment on a super old post I wrote called "I want a nerd" ... well I got one. The article is pretty correct too. I don't have to worry about him going to the bar or being a douche... He is extremely caring and would do anything he can for me and our family. I am able to stay at home and he works graves (which I know he hates) to support us. I never thought I would be able to find that perfect balance in a guy. I would always find the super nice guys that let me walk all over them and I would get bored or I would find the bad boys who were assholes and would cheat on me. He is nice without letting me walk all over him. I used to say he is a nice guy with a backbone. I think that is rather hard to find. We share the same sense of humor which is so important to me. I love having our inside jokes and knowing we can both be ridiculous together. He also does an amazing job at grounding me. I still have a lot of anxiety, but he is usually able to pull me back to earth and make me relax. Just being in his arms makes me feel better. He is so laid back, I think that is why that works.

Anyway... that is my life now. I wanted to be able to look back in ten years and remember what it was like. I might still write here or I might not. I'll have to see....

current mood: thoughtful

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Saturday, February 9th, 2008
9:27 pm - mixed emotions unravelling...
I would give you my whole world and more. I would dedicate myself fully and love with my entire heart. Just for the chance to be with you...

irrational, yes... but true.

I just want you to wrap your arms around me...
I want our night on the beach...

I don't understand it...

I want to love you... I want so badly to feel the way I used too. To admire you for everything you are. I remember when I felt like I would never fall out of love with you... when it was so strong. I found the card that you drew for me when you gave me the sandman comic for christmas... its the little things like that, that I miss.

The kiss on the neck while we were making dinner... our first amazing memorable kiss... playing ddr and having chinese food... I always had fun with you, but I was too scared to get close... You are too young... and too immature... and I love comics... dearly, but you sometimes take it to the extreme.

I don't think it will ever work again, so all I can hope for is something similar to come along in the future. right now...all my mind can focus on is the unrealistic possibilities... that never were, and probably never will be... but a girl can hope can't she...

current mood: drained

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Tuesday, February 5th, 2008
10:04 pm - Nostalgia
I went to my old junior high school today and it brought back many old memories. I wanted to go play in the halls, but I had to behave myself. I remember you walking out those doors... wearing your kmfdm shirt and your pirate pants... insulting some random kid because you thought it was funny... the only time I think I was ever angry with you... I walked home alone and our friends had to get you to come apologize to me. haha. seems so trivial now, but I will always regret getting mad at you, just because that was the last day that I would ever see you. I remember kissing you on the stairs before class and always passing notes in the hallway... how we were like the only goth couple of the school. lol. Silly little memories that will always mean so much to me... I could go off on all the times... strawberry daquari jellybelly jellybeans, double and triple letters. haha. It was always about the little things.

I remember my van... and being a soccer mom with house dementia.. driving to the airport at two in the morning on a summer night with about 10 kids in the car. That was great thing about having a van. haha. Jesse thinking the Scanner was a CT Scan. lol. And being scared of heights so we had to drop him off at the mouth of the canyon. hahaha. I remember waking up to my van completely covered in flowers before an amazing friend left the state. Also waking up to a window sill full of roses and stuffed animals and a mixed cd... that my ex at the time walked 5 miles to bring me... Sluffing school and getting high in the canyon while Vanessa drew smiling faces on all the rocks around us... going to Modified and spending hours looking at cds... going to the DI to buy 80's stuffed animals... and the pet store... school was always the best when I wasn't there. Getting kicked out for coloring in summer school... I remember pointing out when people would turn in the hallways... I remember my boy scout son... and my koala bear lion lesbian lover. lol. I remember Sean thinking that puddings were instant muffins... and how I always wanted to play with all the toys in Kevin's backyard but I was always wearing a skirt. I remember our girl posse and always hitch hiking for rides with strangers... going to classic skating on the weekends and stealing our parents alcohol. I remember a crazy taxi ride and a sad morning where I determined my best friends fate... I remember riding our bikes and feeling like we were in the now and then movie... haha. smoking and drinking for the first time... and sleepovers which consisted of playboys and rubber cement. .. I remember fog parties and way too much alcohol. I remember walking through the gully and thinking that we were tripping out... sitting in a constructionized house thinking that we were hearing voices and not realizing that we had spent like 6 hours venturing... I remember staying up for 8 hours and playing Perfect Dark so that you could get your sleep before school the next day... (first time I ever had a video game hangover)... I remember staying up late doing crossword puzzles and having frequency competitions with my room mate. I remember climbing trees in the middle of a school park... I remember the drum circles... and the first time I met you... I remember drives up the canyon while space cruising in your car... I remember alot for how high I used to be, lol... I remember epic soul calibur competitions while we sat in your room all day... I remember your scooby doo van... summer nights and french bread... high school rooms covered in posters and leopard and zebra print. I remember so much of my childhood that it seems insane that I was the person that lived that life. Some people hated their school years, but I completely loved mine and wouldn't give them up for the world.

Thank you to everyone that made them amazing. (Chris, Ashley, Vanessa, Tod, Paul, Mike, Kevin, Andrew, Sean, Matt, Logan, Justin, Jill, Apryl, Scott, Landon, Kansas, Chantale, Aubrey, Alisha, Taylor, Marc, Alex, Ashleigh, etc...)

current mood: nostalgic

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Sunday, February 3rd, 2008
5:21 pm - I miss you...
No matter how many times you disappear... no matter how many months we go with out talking... I always miss you. I am always able to move on and forget about how much you meant to me, but the moment you come back everything always falls apart again. How can I feel so strongly for someone I have never met. It doesn't make sense. You will always be my ghost... we had our moment where things could have been. I wish I would have pursued them with more intensity. I wish I would have bought the plane ticket... just to see how things could have turned out... instead of always wondering what might have been. I still think that maybe in the future... maybe someday our worlds will collide again.

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Sunday, January 27th, 2008
10:26 pm - what is wrong with my mind???
My dreams have all been about getting married and my exes... and romantic bullshit, which never makes its way into my dreams. Not so obviously... then of course the favorite romantic comedies are on... and my favorite couple just posted their wedding pics... blah... I need to stop thinking about this stuff. I'm going to drive myself crazy.

http://www.cruxshadows.com/Wedding/WeddingPhotos.html#0

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Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008
7:18 pm - bored...
Im so incredibly bored with everything right now...
I dont want to to play video games
I dont want to read
I dont want to go see movies
Or even see the same people I have been hanging out with.
I want something new and exciting.

I need a vacation, or a new spot to hang out...

something to release me from the complete and utter boredom.

Work is good, Social life is good, I really am perfectly content with everything in my life.
I just need something more.

I need something to shake things up, that isn't drama for once.

It's oh so quiet...

current mood: bored

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Sunday, January 20th, 2008
6:31 pm - Your government is lying to you.
They are behind everything you think you know.
Religion is a lie.
911 was a lie.
Wars are started for the benefit of the government and to put more money in their pockets.
Wars are started to create fear in the people they are trying to control.

I'm sure most of you already know this, but I didn't realize it was to this extent.

Wake up
Open your Eyes
Think for Yourself

This video is very long. It is almost 2 hours, but worth every minute of it. Please take the time to watch it so you can stop buying into the bullshit they are telling you.

http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com


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Saturday, January 19th, 2008
2:54 pm - And its just beginning...
Last night was awesome... I went to see Cloverfield, which is beyond kick ass! I really want to go see it again now. I was so worried it was going to let me down, but it lived up to all expectations. :D My date, however, did not... even though it wasn't really a date cause we talked about his girlfriend the whole time, but at least it was a breaking point in the crush... cause I realized I couldn't like him. We just are too different... Yeah I like to stay at home most of the time, but there are times when I just have to get out. No staying home.. I want to go cause some chaos.. I want to go live freely and not give a fuck for what happens. And that was how I felt last night. I had a babysitter all night and there was no way that I was staying at home. We got done with the movie and we couldnt decide on what to do. I wanted to go to Dee's or to a concert.. and he didnt like either idea. So even though I was so excited to spend time with him. I made him take me home. I went out to the concert by my lonesome, but it was cool cause I was meeting friends there. I finallllllly saw my friends band play, after like 5 years or so. hahah. They were amazing to say the least... hung out there for awhile and then decided to go to Dee's where my friends decided to attempt to hook em up with the drummer... even though I wasn't even interested. Needless to say it didn't work out... at this point it was only 2 am, so I decided to go on another adventure. Went out to a friends house and watched a movie with them, was too tired to drive home, passed out there... and spent the morning talking about horror movies, video games, awesome tv shows, cartoons, and whatever else we could think about. 5 am conversations are probably the best. hahaha. Got home with tons of plans today and then totally passed out til 2... haha. waste of the day, but at least I feel refreshed. Friday night = crush averted.... bring on saturday!!!! :D

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Friday, January 18th, 2008
4:47 pm
Why can't I stop. Everyday I say its the last. I tell myself that I am going to ignore you... and yet we end up flirting again... loud and obnoxiously in front of your girlfriend. It's impossible not too. I don't even know what it is about you. I think to myself I am over it... and I honestly beleive that until I see you... and then all the feelings come back. I dont think there is anyone that I have ever felt so comfortable with... and not like I normally do. We have always felt comfortable as friends... but to have that increase to something more. I didnt think I would ever allow that to happen. I go through phases where I think I can date my friends, and it really never works out. I shouldn't be as excited as I am... you have a girlfriend, but for some reason that adds a thrill to it. Because I know you want me more, especially having been unattainable for so long and now I am within your reach. We'll see how it goes... I think thats the motto of our relationship right now. I have a feeling no matter how hard we try to be friends, its just not going to work out that way.

I think it's funny that even our friends are trying to subtley hook us up... they are going to have to have a talking to!

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Thursday, January 17th, 2008
1:45 pm - I need a nerd.... :D
I didn't write this, but I thought it was amusing...

Why Geeks and Nerds Are Worth It...

In the wide world of dating, there are many options. Do you go for the flashy guy with the smooth smile, or the dude in the corner typing away on his laptop? The following are reasons why I think my fellow females should pay more attention to the quiet geeks and nerds, and less attention to the flashy boys.

1.) While geeks and nerds may be awkward, they’re well-meaning 9 out of 10 times. That smooth dude with the sly grin and the spider hands? Wonder what HIS intentions are... plus, I’ve never had a geek guy not call me when he said he would. Score major points THERE.

2.) They’re useful. In this tech-savvy world, it’s great to have a b/f who can make your laptop, desktop, and just about anything else that plugs into a wall behave itself.

3.) They’re more romantic than they’re given credit for. Ok true, their idea of romance might be to make up a spiffy web-page with all the reasons why they love you, with links to pics of you and sonnets and such... but hey. It lasts longer than flowers, plus you can show your friends.

4.) Due to their neglected status, there are plenty to choose from. You like ‘em tall and slender? There are plenty of geeks/nerds who are. You like ‘em smaller with more meat on their bones? Got that too.

5.) They’ve got brains. Come on now, how can intelligence be a bad thing?

6.) Most are quite good at remembering dates. Like birthdates and such, especially if they know it’ll make you happy. Due again to their neglected status, they’re more attentive than guys who “have more options”. Plus, with all that down time without a steady girlfriend, they’ll likely have mental lists of all the things they’d love to do once they GOT a girlfriend.

7.) Sex. Yep. Sex. I’m not really familiar with this myself, but I’ve friends who’ve been intimate with geek guys and it’s raves all around. They say a virgin wrote the Kama Sutra... all that time thinking about sex, imagining sex, dreaming about sex, (they are male after all) coupled with a desire to make you happy? Use your imagination.

8.) They’re relatively low-maintenance. Most can be fueled on pizza, Twinkies and Mt Dew. No complicated dinners needed here, so if you’re not the best cook, eh. Can you order a pizza?

9.) Most frequent bars as often as slugs frequent salt mines. You won’t have to worry much about your geek guy getting his “groove” on with club hotties because, frankly, he’ll be too busy rooting around under his computer wondering where that spare cable went. You won’t have to worry about him flirting with other women because, 9 out of 10 times, he’ll zip right by them in a perfect b-line towards the nearest electronics store. I’ve seen this happen.
Me: “Eww. Victoria Secret’s Models... They’re so skinny. How is that feminine? You can see her ribs!”
Geek Guy: “ooooooo...”
Me: “Hey!” *notices he is staring lustfully towards the computer store*
Geek Guy: “What?”
Me: “Never mind...”

10.) Although he may not want to go to every outing with you, you can arrange swaps, as in, you’ll go to his Gamer Con dressed as an elf princess if he’ll take you to the ballet. Plus, if he doesn’t want to go someplace with you, you won’t have to worry much about what he’s up to. You’ll probably come home to find him asleep on his keyboard in a sea of Mt. Dew cans with code blinking from the screen. It’s ok. He’s used to this. Just toss a blanket over him and turn out the light.

11.) His friends aren’t jerks. I can’t stress this enough. You’ll more likely get “Omg! A GIRL!! Can I see?!” than “Hey hot stuff back that ass up here and let me get some grub on...” They’re awkward geeks too and will, 9 times out of 10, treat you with the utmost respect and, more than likely, a note of awe. A cute girl picked one of their clan to date? It could happen to them! Hope! Drag some of your single girlfriends over, open up a pack of Mt. Dew, crack open the DnD set and get working. Nothing impresses geek guys more than a girl who can hack-n-slash (well ok maybe if she can code... a geek can dream).

12.) They’re rarely if ever possessive. They trust you, so you can be yourself around them. You like to walk around the house in a ratty t-shirt for comfort? He won’t care. He does too! They won’t get pissy if you don’t wear make-up or don’t want to bother primping your hair. If you gain a few pounds, they won’t try their best to make you feel like crap.

13.) They’re usually very well educated. Physics majors and the like. See #5. You won’t have to listen to him blathering on about his car (ok maybe a little), he’ll have loads of other interesting things to talk about. Politics, world events, how much the chicken burgers down at the local place rock, so long as you douse them in hot sauce...

14.) You’ll almost never have to hear, “Yaw dawg whazzap!!” plop out of their mouths. Unless it’s in jest. They spell properly, use correct punctuation, and are able to tell the difference between the toilet and the floor. They almost never get “wasted”, so you won’t have to worry about coming home to find him and his friends passed out on the floor amidst a pile of beer bottles. Mt. Dew cans, perhaps...

15.) And the final reason why geeks and nerds make great boyfriends: They actually give a damn about you. Not how you look (though that’s a plus), not how skinny you are, not how much make-up you primp yourself up with, but they like you for you. That kind of thing lasts longer than “DaMN baby you got a fine ass!!!” Believe me.

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7:15 am - memories...
Listening to this song brings back so many memories...
the blue sky above me
the green grass underneath my feet
all the people surrounding me...
my best friends by my side
and the tears slowly rolling down my cheeks

I remember the music blasting through out the entire cemetery
I remember the look on everyones faces when this was the song that was played for you
I appreciate you parents so much for letting me decide what song was able to be your last
I remember the ring that you had on your finger...
and the one I had on mine
so much emotion for such a small naive girl
hard to have the love of your life, when your only 14...
even harder to lose that love

No one will ever compare
or be able to come before you in my mind.
I think where we would be right now.
Happily married, I suppose.
or completely forgotten to each other as a schools crush...
who knows, but I wish I would have gotten the chance to find out.

You were my "Edward"
I miss and love you forever...

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Tuesday, January 15th, 2008
12:28 pm
And I know you have a heavy heart, I can feel it when we kiss
So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
But me I'm not a gamble, you can count on me to split
The love I sell you in the evening by the morning won't exist

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Monday, January 14th, 2008
1:01 pm - hmmm
This is alot harder than I expected. I knew it would be awkward, but I didn't think I would almost be in tears... or that hearing you two would make me want to pull my hair out. Today is already a very stressful day.

I think I am using video games to escape. I sit and think about how much better i'll feel when I'm at home playing Halo... thats not a good thing. I always say I am only going to play after I get everything else done... and after like half of my work is done, I justify getting on. I always tell myself that I will only be on for an hour or two... then 4 or 5 hours have passed.

I dont really know how to get myself out of this rut. I keep trying to escape, but to no avail. No matter what I do its still always there. I try to face it, but it doesn't go away. It just sits there and taunts me. I'm not sure how to get passed this... but if I don't its going to eat me alive...

If it actually happened would I even be ready. These are the kind of things I tell myself to rationalize letting go of everything good in my life. I have just as many excuses for keeping the bad things around too. How would it be to just let things be... to come and go into or out of my life as they please. Without judgement and without holding onto anything. I think that would be pure bliss. Just to accept things as they are.

My mind tries to attach itself to every little thing tho... as tho I need the drama and the complications to be able to survive. It's a messed up way of thinking. I've tried to fix my cognitive thinking errors... but it didn't help very much. As much as I want things to stick... they don't. It's the same way with reading books, maybe its the same way with relationships...

I'm like tape that has been used one too many times... and no longer has any adhesive...

I just need a break from it all... and a healthy one. Not video games.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2008
3:09 pm - muh...
All I want to do is drinking excessive amounts of alcohol right now... but I can't because of the medication that I am on. I pretty much hate my existence. I wish I could hermit myself from everyone... and usually I do a pretty good job of that... expect for going to work., but now work is the problem... so how am I going to do that? Fuck... I think I'll just escape into video games... for a week or so.

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Friday, January 11th, 2008
4:51 pm - hmmmmmm...
My thoughts today are...


Why did I wait so long...

Boys are lame... even the "nice guys" turn out to be assholes

and...

Is it sick and twisted that I like being the other girl...?

I think it goes with the whole want what I can't have thing, but it has just increased it ten fold. wtf? how do normal people deal with this shit?

current mood: confused

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Thursday, January 10th, 2008
11:43 pm
why am I so excited to see your face???

I don't know what I am getting myself into...

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3:43 pm - its about time...
So it looks like I actually found a doctor that I like! The pain had finally gotten too bad to handle, so I made an emergency appt to see the nurse's physician... I thought it was just going to be a nurse that asked me questions and set up an appt for my ultrasound... but she was so thorough and nice and actually answered all my questions. Which doctors never do, they always just ignore me.. give me some pills... and run me out the door. She came to the conculsion that I have Endometriosis. Which I have assumed Ive had for years. Its takes surgery to be able to for sure diagnosis it, but with all my symptoms she is pretty sure that I have it. It has an easy fix... which is birth control pills. As much as I hate them I will have to be back on them... if that doesnt work then I will have to have surgery ... that dreaded word again... and the surgery is a hysterectomy... so thats fun..! My mom had this before and had to get the procedure done... so at least I have someone to talk to about it with. I am just so happy after what... 8 years... I finally found someone that is willing to look into this more. Every other doctor has said "it will go away on its own" "it's normal for a girl your age" "blah blah blah" I guess it really does take a woman doctor to understand the pain that we can go through. I'm scared, but I am so happy that I finally am going to be rid of this pain that I have just learned to live with. so yay for me.
And as if on schedule... Im sick.... sky is sick... he has some kind of eye infection so I am taking him in tonight.

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11:12 am - I want a panda....

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Wednesday, January 9th, 2008
11:26 am - I'm on the *verge* of killing someone...
verge... how that silly little word can remind me of so much... sad :(

Anyway, today is making me want to pull my hair out. First you act jealous for no reason at all... then you act like a dick, cause you are really good at doing that lately. I ask you nicely to help out and you treat me like I have no authority over you... sorry to say, but now I do. I am busting my ass... and you are reading wow forums and laughing. I could just smack you upside the head. I have extremely important assignments that I need to finish, but you just wander off and leave me to take care of everything. I am so crazy stressed out right now. I am so used to just relaxing and having work be easy, but now seeing how much effort it takes to keep everything going... I feel very frazzled. And yet while everyone is working their ass off.. you are just sitting there. BAH! This is why I can't date you... it would make things so incredibly hard and annoying at work. I am sure within a week I would just hate you.

On a happier note. I had a great night last night... it just seems so easy to fall back into things with you. Even if we don't see each other for awhile, its like we never spent any time apart. Usually its awkward and strange with people or it disappears.. or you have to work at the whole thing to get back to that comfort level.
But with you its just there...
Even just as friends.. I just feel incredibly comfortable around you, more so than I do with most people.
And of course I always have a good time... even if I am dead tired in the morning. haha.

I have felt so stressed since yesterday... I just feel like a bolt of electricity is going through me... almost to the point of shaking... I need to relax and have some time to recuperate... some good mind numbing WoW sounds excellent for that. Maybe I am shaking from withdrawals... ha- ha- ha.

I just need today to be over already... I so wish I would have stayed home all warm and cozy in my bed...but today would have been INSANE without me... so its good that I came in...

current mood: enraged

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